As I turned away in the airport, clutching my passport and
with tears in my eyes, I couldn’t help but feel like I was willingly walking
myself into the unknown. Don’t get me
wrong, I was so incredibly excited to be coming back, but at the same time I
was absolutely terrified. I like to
think of myself as an adventurous person and someone willing to take chances
and risks, but this decision, moving over 8000 miles away from home and all
things familiar, fresh out of college, was by far my boldest move to date.
While this place was familiar, there were so many question marks that I had
bouncing around inside my brain.
Looking back on the past four months as my first stint of
time here in Nkomazi comes to a close, I can say without a doubt in sight that
this was the right decision. Yes, there
are days when I don’t have an ounce of confidence in what I am doing. There are
days when the only thought I have is I have no experience in teaching, so what
the hell am I doing here? There are days
where I fully convince myself that I am not adequate for my job and I walk away
from class feeling defeated and frustrated.
But these days are becoming less and less common. And replacing them are feelings of
reassurance, self-confidence and an overall appreciation for my abilities that
I can honestly say I’ve never had before.
Part of what made coming into this experience so absolutely
terrifying was the fact that I was not in a very good place in my life prior to
my departure. Although in denial at the
time, I was generally pretty unhappy, and hiding behind the smile and bubbly
personality that was expected of me.
One of the best parts of being surrounded by such reflective
people, students and facilitators alike, is that it’s forced me to be honest
with myself. Between conversations with
students at Imagine Scholar, and long car rides with facilitators on our
weekend adventures, mixed with plenty of self-reflection, I’ve for the first
time in a long time felt myself getting back to my genuinely happy being.
It’s too easy to merely go through the motions in life
because of an often times unconscious fear of truly feeling. Without even
realizing, I had hit a point where I was shying away from vulnerability and
closing myself off to the people and experiences around me. But being here has inspired me to stop living
my life this way. I can’t say there was
a specific moment here that brought me to this realization but I think rather
many, many little moments over time. All of which have left me at the end of
each day a little more content, a little more appreciative, and now four months
later, a whole lot happier.
So as I think about going home in just one short week, my
emotions from my departure are the same but for different reasons. I feel
excited yes, so excited to be surrounded by all of home’s familiarities and see
my parents, and my one lonely doggy who just lost his best friend. But more than anything I feel nervous. I feel
nervous about slipping back into that place of negativity and that unhappy girl
that I unknowingly left behind.
